i have been trying so hard to be decisive. i usually am. normally i know exactly how i feel and how i would react to certain things but, right now, i just feel like i don't know.
with learning new things, and seeing new things i feel like my mind has been opened to all the things i don't know. i'm trying to find truth.
sometimes i wish i were at a different stage in my life. at times i wish i had a remote control for my life, where i could just fast forward and come out having learned the same lessons i would have had i gone through it all. i'm trying to find time.
sometimes i wish i were at a different stage in my life. at times i wish i had a remote control for my life, where i could just fast forward and come out having learned the same lessons i would have had i gone through it all. i'm trying to find time.
right now, i don't really know what i want. i don't really know how i feel about certain things. i hate being confused. it's one of the most frustrating things for me, a combination of two right now; being confused and being frustrated at my confusion. and what makes it worse for me, is that friends, family, and friends of the family ask me about the things that make me the most uncomfortable, and these are things that are normal, that people just talk about, and i can't. it makes me cringe. and most of the time, as part of my nature, i develop automatic responses to the things that i can't really answer with complete sincerity without feeling vulnerable. (but here i am pouring my soul out in the blog-o-sphere).
i haven't come to terms with somethings that i have done and things that i haven't. it's been a hard journey and it's still difficult. sometimes i think that things just keep coming up, and i just drown in this glass of water that is my emotions. i'm trying to find real feelings.
so i'm just trying to find something...everything i guess. i'm trying to find the strength to forgive and take part of that growth that comes with that.
i'm trying to find the peace. i'm trying to find the smiles...you know the real ones that just come out randomly throughout the day.
i'm trying to find.
i found these pictures and i like them. they are from when i we to seattle last year.
they remind me that beauty and joy may coincide, so maybe, if i find inherent beauty i can find joy...that seems plausible. right??
