so i'm a 2nd counselor in one of the Relief Societies in our ward (there are three); i have been for the past 3 or so months. i've always wondered what i was doing in a leadership position anyways, but today it was an especially prevalent feeling.
in an effort to get to know the thirty-some-odd women in the Relief Society, we handed out "get to know you sheets", i.e., handouts that they would fill out with information about their families, interests, and (the kicker for me tonight) their favorite scripture or quote.
as my roommates were out doing some college age related activity, i sat on my bed reading about these girls, wondering about their lives; where they grew up, what their families are like, and what they are planning for their futures. and i learned something. these are amazing, beautiful, God fearing women. women who find strength in a knowledge and study of the scriptures. women who nurture their testimonies by learning from their life experiences and lifting where they stand.
and i realized that i feel a great deal more pressure this semester, because some of these amazing women are some of my closest friends. friends that have served in this capacity with a love that i don't know that i can muster the courage to express. and even though i've done this before i'm scared.
scared of my capacity to fail. scared of the things that i might slip up and say, because more often than not i say things that i shouldn't. scared that they won't even like me or think that i'm insincere. scared that i will preach false doctrine and lead people astray. scared that i might offend someone. scared that i won't let someone else grow because i'm a control freak.
and so i'm sitting in my room, contemplating my inadequacies and how i am ever to get through this and do a decent job and not screw up anyone else.
ideas? advice? bad jokes?
6 comments:
Ok Darling, here's the hard core truth from Mama Ferrin. Ready? Faith and Fear CANNOT exist together. They come from opposite sources and one of them wants to see you fail and One wants to see you continue to grow in your love of others, your love of serving, your faith and testimony increase, He's no way, NO way gonna turn His back on you know. YOU have been called to the position for a reason, what is it? What does He want you to learn about others, about yourself, about the gospel you so desperately love?
Having said all that, I know exactly how you feel - and that is why I can testify with such boldness. I did dig deeper, I did increase my love for the sisters I had stewardship for, I did grow spiritually immensely...and you will too. Try Him. He won't fail you. I promise.
By the way, I love you!
Mama Ferrin
You just described exactly how I felt as your Young Women's president. When I first had the thought that I would be called, I LITERALLY crawled under my covers and didn't move. I probably did say and do lots of wrong things in that calling. But here's the thing--you are called (chosen by God) for that calling just as I was. I was your YW president a few weeks after my 25th birthday and I seriously thought I couldn't do it. But here's the thing--you know you were called and you have love. That is how I did it too. Even though I wasn't perfect, I LOVED that calling and it was one of the choicest experiences of my life (even when it was really hard). You just had one of the best experiences of any calling--seeing your sisters in a new light, with love, the way God does. I felt that love for you girls in that same way. Still do, in fact, Sammie Pie! Love you!
So I'm going to share an answer that came to me recently about fear. In 2 Timothy 1:7 it says, "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." I've read that scripture before and felt like that's great, but I have no idea how to get rid of the fear that is in my mind and access the power, love and sound mind God has supposedly given me. (Where DID I put that gift?)
When I read the scripture this time I looked at the footnote on the word power. (Don't you think Ruth'd be proud of my improved scripture study skills?) It refered me to Acts 1:8 where it says ..."ye shall receive power, after that the Holy Ghost is come upon you." Suddenly I thought perhaps the action I needed to feel the Spirit more was seeking the Spirit. That's just one thing to help combat fear. I'm sure the Lord has scriptures and conference talks set aside to specifically answer that question for you...little by little.
You can be shown the way as you seek answers through prayer and study, and then listen and act. You will make mistakes, just like all the rest of us. It's all part of the process. But I agree with Heather. You will also feel great love as you serve and count yourself blessed to know these women. Leadership has a great way of exposing your imperfections to you (and sometimes others), but if done correctly also exposes you to great opportunities to love. Don't miss out on those because you are worried about doing it imperfectly. Anything worth doing is worth doing imperfectly.
You are wonderful and beloved and growing. You have more people rooting for you than you can imagine. BIG HUG!!!
I second what Heather said (I felt the same way--and how) as your YW leader. Knowing you, and knowing the way you care for people I have faith that you will be guided as you put your faith in the Lord and press forward with confidence that you are doing what the Lord wants.
I think you are great. Where are you right now anyway? I miss you.
Oh Sam, I just love you to pieces. How could anyone not like you? You have a smile that lights up the room when you enter. I loved getting to know you and being in your ward at BYU-I. Just keep being you.
It was so fun to see you in July when I came to Rexburg and to talk with you and Cami out front in the parking lot. That was a good time :) I forgot what I said to make you laugh, but I sure do love it when you get the giggles.
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