Christmas Our Way

okay so here's the deal: i hate christmas. every year, after thanksgiving, (which incidentally, is my favorite holiday) i tell myself "this is is it. this is the year that i finally love christmas. this is the year that the magic happens and my heart and mind are forever changed to love this insipid holiday." and every year, it is the same. it is simply too much. i'm bombarded with echoes of bells, reindeer, snow, and the everlovin' mariah carey and her chorus of "all I want for christmas is yoooooouuuuuuoououououou!*high note* baby!" ugh... oh and let's not forget the ever patronizing "feliz navidad". i've never harbored such feelings of resentment toward a blind man. and then, i'm just back where i started. but this year was different, though not the kind of different that you would hope for.

this i year i decided that i would simply accept my feelings toward this time of year. i realized that the only reason that anytime that i wanted to change my feelings about this holiday it came from someone else telling me that i should. it was always someone else telling me that this was a wonderful thing and i should get in the spirit of it. and i felt guilty for not loving something that others love so much. but this year, i realized that in my life, i've never felt sorry for disliking things that others love. like: playing duck, duck, goose or chatting on aol or goosebumps or reading harry potter or twilight or playing sports or jell-o or star wars or ice cream with fruit in it... this list goes on and on. this year was a year of self acceptance. and it was wonderful.

this year, our family celebrated on the eve, as we always do. we went to my great-aunt's house. she's the best cook on my father's side of the family, so it was totally worth being there. but, do you know what the best part was? the best part was connecting to my past and present family by celebrating the way that dominicans do. 

after eating dinner, we danced. we put on really loud music and we danced to the rythms that past generations danced to. my great-aunt made jokes about her sister (whom we all love) and gave a great impression. my mother, between drum beats, told me about her father and reminded me how my grandpa danced before he got too religious. and i found so much happiness and caught a glimpse of the future and the past while dancing with my mami. we didn't leave my aunt's til three a.m. 

as i walked out of her building, full plate of food in hand, i said to mami "well, that's why none of the neighbors complain about the music, they all have their own music on!" she replied, "it's christmas! that's how we do it!"

I'm Just Gonna Leave This Here...

i laughed harder at this than i have at anything in a long while. i love this. the end.

Too Far

ladies and gentlemen of the free world, the legging trend has gone too far.

today i walked mom to the train. it was a nice, brisk, autumn morning. totes norms. the sun was shining. the wind was blowing. and the leaves were falling like a classic new york movie. you know, a la "you've got mail". until i saw a man in the crosswalk.

he looked average. and then i noticed that he was wearing tighty-whities. how did i know that he was wearing tighty-whities? because i could see homeboy's underwear line through his super tight workout leggings. too far. too far.

make it stop.

Ironic

those of you who read this blog probably know this about me: i'm a decent cook. oh who are am i kidding here here with the "modesty" card? i'm a dang good cook! but i'm not really proficient in the ways of sweets and treats because i would rather eat savory food. so that's what i am really good at making. i make dinner for the parental most every night, but i don't make dessert. she doesn't complain or really make requests so it's a happy life for us both. yesterday i made an exception, because let's face it, my birthday is coming up and i'm trying to score points. don't judge.

she requested spagehtti and meatballs (one of my specialties) and i decided that i would make her some  jell-o for dessert because she really likes it. this led to a discovery of sorts.

 1) i've never made jell-o.
 2) i don't know how to make it.

 apparently, i screwed up the jell-o. in my defense, i hate anything that falls into the mysterious, gelatinous, or texturally uncertain category (such a category includes, but is not limited to: tripe, liver, jell-o, jelly beans, and rice pudding). so there it is. i can cook anything, except jell-o. and you that's not even cooking.

Some Nights

some nights* my mom and i just hang around. we have family home evening and sing hyms in spanish off-key. and we watch debates and yell at the candidates. we make easy sandwhich dinners. and we laugh. and talk about things honestly and cry. but mostly, we laugh. tonight we made apple pie from scratch. nights like these are my favorite. we work together, we laugh at each other, we serve one another, and mostly we talk. and the talking is my favorite part.

aren't we just so cute and nerdy with our glasses?

i love my mom. she is the coolest person i know. she is the bee's knees. the cat's pajamas. the cat's meow. she is my home slice. ma' numba one homie g.



*i called this post some nights because this night was a rare one for our little family but also because i'm in love with the song of the same title. 

Like a Granny

i think i just got a glimpse of what old age is going to look like for me. i'm sitting in my comfy inside clothes (clothes one does not wear outside. ever.) watching political commentaries, and embroidering. on an embroidery hoop. like a granny. it's like being a boss, but you're old with less energy and zero tolerance for nonsense.

Ewww.

so i found a bug bit on my arm this morning and thought "ooo what if it is a spider bite?" i decided i would investigate. by investigate of course i mean google. (side note: google isn't just a proper noun anymore, it is a verb. fancy.) after some brief research i decided that what i have is definitely not a spider bite 'cause spider bites are disgusting. don't google it. i also learned what to do in the event of being bitten by a black widow or recluse. the more you know.

On the Heart

here's the deal: normally i shy away from religious topics on this blog, but since this is my blog and those of you who read it are mormon like myself, i have a spiritual thought to share.

i've been reading in 3 Nephi for a while now. i get caught up in verses and chapters and think about them for a long time before i can move on to the next part. i've been in chapter 10 for 4 or 5 days now. there is a line in verse 6. "and return unto me with full purpose of heart." that has been stopping me in my tracks.

the verse is about the Savior gathering His people after they have repented. it is interesting to me that He chose to focus on the heart in this verse. not on the clean hands. not on the pensive mind, but on the purposeful heart. why?

i think it is because the heart is the core. it is where your emotions and truest desires are held. if your heart is pure, even when your hands are not, you can always get back to your center. your heart is what drives you, isn't it? for me it is. if i don't feel right about something, my heart isn't settled until the rest of me catches up and does what is right. if i feel doubt, i freeze. i cannot move until the doubt in my heart has cleared. but once i know what is right, my heart is determined. it races and fights and pressures until that thing which i know is right is done.

a couple of my bestest friends have talked to me about how impressed they are with my ability to do what is right. i can't take credit for that ability, it is not my own. i did not cultivate that. it has been in me since i was a child. i feel the same way about disobeying my mother as i do about ignoring the Holy Ghost. i always have. it makes me feel like i am short of breath without actually being short of breath. it makes me feel like my insides are being compressed. it makes my heart heavy.

while doing the right thing changes everything. it makes me feel full. full of light. full of joy. full of purpose. doing the right thing, no matter how hard, makes my heart peaceful. the distinction between those emotions, between the good and the bad, is so clear to me. and it has just occurred to me that maybe that is because both the lightness and the darkness have had such prominent parts in my life. i've experienced both of them vividly. i think that is a gift. a tender mercy.

i'm grateful for the Lord, my Savior, who has provided me with a way back to Him and our Father. i'm grateful for the living scriptures. and the Holy Ghost. and the gift of a heart that wants what it wants unabashedly and apologetically.

Rebellion

i've never been one for rebellion. actually, i don't think that i've ever rebelled against anything, not memorably or openly so it can't count. but recently, the parental and i have made some sort of commitment to eating healthier. but here's the deal, i don't really eat unhealthily. i don't care much for junk food and i don't like sweets. although, i do believe that there is a time and place for all things including fries and ice cream, we've decided it would be best to not consume anything that is irresistibly delicious. that said, in support of mother dearest, i started eating more vegetables and fruits in general. not a hard thing. but after the third week of eating mostly salads and other combinations of veggies, moma needs a treat. so here i sit, at two a.m., (while mother gets her sleep as i have nothing to rise early for) drinking overly sweet herbal tea, eating the biggest end-piece of bread i've ever seen, slathered in nutella, watching gilmore girls re-runs and anxiously awaiting the impending doom of the inevitable stomachache to follow.

poor choices are indeed unbecoming.

Ugh...Sigh...Gag...Bore

my mom is making me watch "Dear John" 'cause she's bored and a sap and all i can think is this:

bye.

Confessions

1. i love t.v.
2. sometimes, only when i'm alone, i watch the real housewives. it is stupid and i know it, but i love hot messyness.
3. the ones from new jersey are my favorite. every time i watch it, it makes me want mozzarella.

that is all.

*walks away in shame. finds comfort in italian food.*

Chillin' with the Parental

my momma and i have been hanging out for a while now. we've started going for walks together which i really like because we get to talk about our lives and opinions. we have good conversations and sometimes they get a little crazy, 'cause we are you know. today we were talking about people with questionable professions and my mother uttered the following: "I hate the middle man between me and my money!" i guess that's why she started her own business. she is great. crazy as all get out but great. super awesome.

I Be Craftin', Yo!

so sometimes i geek out by myself and craft. "pictures?" you say? why yes, yes i do have pictures.

so i had this white, men's t-shirt that was bleh. so after seeing this, i gave it a go. i cut the neckline to a high scoop and used a black linen (that i may or may not have had since high school) and made a straight bow rather than a gigantic one because it suits me better. i'm wearing it tomorrow. i'm pretty excited.

then, i came across this little jem and since i am currently in love with all things tribal inspired, i couldn't contain myself. really though, i tried not to do this but i did it 'cause i couldn't stop myself. i decided that i didn't want to spend much money doing this. i bought cheep sneakers and a sharpie made for clothes and i used special design markers from when i was in fashion school. (side note: design markers are surprisingly strong. they can get you high as a kite without adequate ventilation during use.) 

i've also been working on some sewing repairs for the parental unit. taking in a shirt here, attaching a button there, reconstructing an entire dress, all in a day's work for a former aspiring fashion designer.

As Seen in the Crosswalk

one of the things that i've noticed since being home is the use of technology in everyday life. from little kids to adults well into their 40's and 50's, people use technology in any way they can and every moment they get. as a society, we talk about being constantly connected. there is such irony in that statement-we want to be constantly connected to the world around us while ignoring and blocking out the world around us.

exhibit a.

i was on my way home, and i saw a couple of teenagers crossing the street. this is what they looked like and what i imagined they were thinking, 'cause yeah i still think i'm funny.

(the caption reads "Because having a conversation is completely out of the friggin' question. 'Yes, we're friends, No we don't talk and walk. Eww.' (Not a direct quote)")

Lessons from Literature

i've been reading a book called In Her Shoes. i picked it up when i went to buhl, idaho with one of my favorite people in the world. she's my roommate, don't get excited. buhl is a small town that is growing at what some might consider an alarming rate. there's a fairly new mcdonald's there. while there, i rediscovered that although i rarely find cool clothes at thrifts stores, i can always find good books.

the movie, which is based on the book, is one of my favorites because of the way that it depicts the human condition. it reminds me that as human beings we are imperfect. it reminds me that i do not have the right to expect perfection from anyone or myself for that matter. it reminds me that although we do have the capacity to love, we cannot, yet, love flawlessly. it also reminds me that we would do well to learn to accept love, though imperfect (and potentially unexpected) it may be. it also reminds me that even when life changes unexpectedly, it is beautiful and wonderful.

reading the book has solidified these ideas and opinions and it has presented me with some new ones. one of the main characters is a grandmother who has settled in  "a retirement community for active seniors" in florida. in her efforts to build a relationship with a distant granddaughter, she seeks the help of one of her fellow active seniors who has had more experience with the younger generation.

"'Information,' Mrs. Lefkowitz said. 'That's what we have that the young people want . Information.' She considered. 'And some Microsoft stock, in my case. But for you, information ought to be enough.'"

as i read that, i realized how much that is so very true for me. i've always had a desire to hear the stories of those who came before. but because of distance (in one form or another) i haven't been able to hear the stories that are part of my history. and suddenly, though it happened in may, the death of my grandfather, the oldest person in my genetic coding, has become just a bit more heartbreaking.

 i realized that i won't get to hear his stories. he wasn't able to tell me to be wary of boys. he didn't teach me about farming or hard work. he never told me about walking to school, for hours, barefoot. he couldn't teach me about being a father, a grandfather, a great-grandfather. he didn't teach me about what it meant to be in love or to have a spouse. and though i have learned about all of these things, i want, so deeply to be taught them by someone who will love me unconditionally and perfectly imperfectly. 

The World's Smallest Violin

remember when you were a kid and you had your tiny heart broken about something and you told your friends and all they said was "oh look i have the world's smallest violin and it's playing a sad sad song for you." no? that didn't happen to you? well it did to me. and while it was irritating then, it did (and does) help me put things in perspective.

i don't think of my self as a "positive person" or even one that you could call "happy" in the traditional sense, but i do believe that life is inherently good. but if you spend all of your time thinking about what you are not, or what you don't have, or what could have been, then you are going to miss it all. you are going to miss all the really good juicy-laugh-your-head-off-love-every-minute-of-it stuff. and more importantly, you are going to miss the point of this wonderful journey.

yes, i know that life just sucks sometimes. trust me, i'll save you the sob stories, but know that i know that it just sucks some days. but here's the deal, without the bad you can't know how really flippin' good the good truly is. so, put the tiny violin away, shred the sad sad song, and find a way to find happiness in today's part of the journey.

peace, love, and happiness. in the mean time...daisies. 

Could you please explain why...

people post half naked pictures of themselves on facebook? or on any free website for that matter. i figure if you are going to have nearly nude pictures of yourself, you might as well try and get paid for it instead of giving it all away. (fyi, i don't condone people taking these kinds of picture, it's demeaning.)

people love anthropology so much? it's not that great a store and it's expensive so what gives?

people go to church and other church like things and spend their time rubbing each others' backs or whispering to one another? i know you are not paying attention while that is going on! you might as well stay home 'cause you know what? people can see you and they think it's awkward. trust me.

Quotables

so the other day i was in my accounting information systems class (we build databases) and my teacher was introducing the case on which our project is based. the fictional company is a honey production company. as it turns out, my teacher knows more about beehives and harvesting honey than the producers of the secret life of bees. quotes of note, you ask, well of course.

when speaking of when kids put out sugar water for bees, bees tell the other bees "whoa, check it out, free sugar water!"

when discussing the smoking of the beehive before the harvest:
"it's like when someone asks you 'if your house was on fire what would you take with you?' and there's always that person that's like 'my scriptures!' and i'm like 'no, if my house was on fire i would take my i-pad, i can buy another set of scriptures and it has scriptures on it!' "

"...the bees think their tree is on fire so they go protect the one thing that they have...honey. so they go drink themselves into oblivion."

on protecting the honey:

"it's like mormons and their food storage, they've got their guns and they're like: 'i'm a christian, no one's getting my food storage!'"

on bees in general:

"who does all the work?...no it's the females. do you know what the male bees are called?...drones. they don't do jack...all they do is fertilize the queen, and that's where 'the birds and bees' comes from, but that is not what we are here to talk about."

i like this class. oh,  and don't worry he totally drew a picture of the hive, a colorful flower, the thing that spins the honey out, and the hot knife.

a good time was had by all.

last thing:
as i was writing this post, i was listening to pandora. a song i liked came on and because i refuse to be one of those people that uses song lyrics in their facebook status on principle, i'm going to put it here. also, remeber whose blog you're reading; i like this because it's funny, not because it has any relationship to romance. the lyrics: "when you love someone and you bite your tongue all you get is a mouthful of blood".

on that note, go out and love your fellow man, so as not to fill your mouth with blood.

Literacy Level 1

so here's the deal: i went to fashion high school. which means that while everyone else with whom i would end up in college was taking chemistry and english lit, i was learning how to draft patterns and drape garments. don't get me wrong, i got a quality education, but i missed out on some of the good stuff like quality reading.

this semester's course load seems to be permissive to some leisurely reading. so, my question to you faithful readers, is which of the classics should i get my little hands on and read? which is your favorite?

Searching

i found this image on the internet. it says peace. i think its beautiful and i love it. i love it because it represents all that i am searching for: the blue is clam. the white is pure. the lines look effortless; almost accidentally graceful. and yet,  i know that to make something like this it takes practice, time, determination, love of the thing that you are doing, and love for that thing you are trying to accomplish, and in all this work one must have peace. peace in trial. peace in work. and most importantly, peace in failure. peace in knowing that what you have accomplished, though it was not exactly what you wanted, means that you are closer to your goal. so maybe, just maybe, failure isn't exactly something negative, not something to be feared. not something to be ashamed of. maybe failure is just a stepping stone, required on the path though uncertain and sometimes unsightly.

Changes

 context

list of things that have changed....
pictures....
a story of change...

list
address (don't worry still in rexburg)
calling (home-evening coordinator)
ward
over generalization of hipsters
jeans (skinny, don't judge, i'm young and they are cool. practically made for each other.)
hair
nails (they be gold and glittery y'all)

pictures- you know, to keep you interested

apple picking in the fall

reason #3,009 to love chicago, sand castles in the city

reason #4,078

reason # 3,890,non-denominational place of worship beautiful architecture

reason #2,899 giant MM

reason # 590 glass box sears tower

#4,078

before

dramatic-emo-before

dramatic-emo after, navuoo in the background

glare in the glasses, after, rexburg in the background 

story
i started school in idaho in January of 2008. i enrolled as a business management major. in 2010 i realized that i didn't want to be a business major anymore.i began praying about it and trying to figure out what to do and what i should major in. that summer, i was in my first accounting class.

it was difficult work. i had to read and study and practice more than i ever had before. that semester i learned a great deal about learning. i passed the class...barely, but i knew that this was the subject i should study for the rest of my college career. so began the major change process.

after much frustration with offices, student employees, and other bureaucratic nonsense, i was a mess. i couldn't do it. i couldn't come to terms with how much schooling i had left. i couldn't deal. and at the end of the day, i was scared. scared of what it would mean if i couldn't change my major and what it could mean if i did. scared of what i would be required to do. so i put it off...as long as i could.

this christmas break it all came to a head, and a choice had to be made. i was reminded of the wonderful year that i'd had. i remembered all the wonderful experiences (many to be found on this blog) that happened because i decide to "let go and let God" and jump in. so i did. and after practicing that wonderful skill, you know, jumping through hoops, i got it changed. I am scheduled to graduate in December 2012 with a Bachelors of Science in Accounting and a minor*  in Humanities.

i could not be more excited. i'm currently enrolled in four (yeah, that's right, 4) accounting classes. they are challenging,exciting, and life altering for me. the reason they are so exciting though, is that i am learning skills that i will be using in my professional life. speaking of, you wanna know what i want to do?

i dream of working with an organization that offers hope to inner city youth. an organization that teaches youth that there is a big world outside of the difficult world around them. and organization that teaches them the skill of hoping. so, if you know of an organization like this that needs an intern, an accounting intern this spring would you please let me know? thanks.

sincerely,
your humble bean counter