Christmas

i wish i could blog about the "real meaning of christmas" as some of my fellow christians like to call it but, alas, christ was born in april.

however, this year, like the last, i spent it with some of my favorite people. they are fellow chocolate fiends, needles to say it was a great evening. filled with serious as well as light hearted conversation.

they have a young daughter who is about 2 years old. this year they have gone to great lengths for the whole "santa scheme". they set presents under the tree after she went to bed. they placed a thank you note (for cookies and milk) on top of a plate of cookie crumbs. they even left a glass with "milk residue". it was adorable.

while we set up her "bigger" presents (which included a tricycle and make shift kitchen, both cuter than any that i have ever seen) i had a moment.

in my family christmas wasn't a really big deal, for a lot of reasons. but, i never really knew what i was missing until today. though, the idea of this hoax at 20 years of age is a little silly, part of me thinks that it might have been nice to have something a little magical and inexplicable to believe in. so, in this magical moment, influenced by the spirit of christmas, i decided to add something to "the list of things that i may want in a future husband". i think it might be nice, for me and my future children (emphasis on future...distant future) to have someone who is captivated by christmas. there is a sort of magic that comes with it all and i think i would like to have that in my home. there is something to be said about the excitement it brings to parents to have a "good secret" to keep from their children. even these two most practical parents, had a twinkle in their eyes about the presents they set out for their lovely little girl. i don't have it, so i guess he will have to bring it.

i hope your day (no matter what day it is) is filled with magic, love, and light.

merry christmas.
s

Sigh...

i finally finished them. i made roman shades for this very nice interior designer lady. (there should be some sort of link there but i don't know that she has a website.)
it was really difficult for me for several reasons. first, i sew clothes. well, not really anymore, but that's what i learned to sew. these were ROMAN SHADES people. second, i don't really love sewing. i've always liked it but i don't love it. third, it was a process that magnified some of my greatest flaws.

i stressed so much on being so perfect about the whole thing. i tried to get every stitch just right. every time i looked at the fabric something cringed with the thought of time consuming attempts at perfection. this is why i stopped sewing things that had set deadlines. it all together, pulls me apart.

but now its all over. and i can breath. and get back to over thinking and stressing out about other stuff. i should have taken pictures, (i'm kind of a bonehead) hopefully she will email me some like she said she would.

oh and p.s. i'm going to chicago tomorrow (so excited!!) and i'm not even close to being packed, so far in fact that i haven't even pulled down my suitcase.

Help?

okay, so no real life update or anything. i've just got a little dilemma. i think i'm ready to get a new computer. this one has served me well. we've been through some tough times: i've done some cool research, and written some awesome essays and papers, but alas, old jefferson here is falling apart. it is time for a new one.

the problem is, i don't know anything about computers. (what 20 year old doesn't know computers? whatever, i don't tweet either. so there, i'm old and un-hip, who cares?) although, as usual i know what i don't want. i don't want another dell. sorry dell users nothing personal or really substantial. i simply don't want one. i also don't want a mac, i just don't care for them. i'm a pc. i also kind of feel like pop culture really worships mac and soon our ipods are going to turn on us and enlist our computers in their fight against the human race.

so, help me out if you can.

stay rad.

Looking In...

it's been a ruff couple days for me. i wish that there was one thing to pin point and blame for it so i can just move on, you know. it's a lot of stuff, but somehow i think that it all comes back to me. i think it all just comes back to my way of thinking and feeling. so in the midst of my disgruntledness, i've been trying to get back to me, to find what is going to give the essence of me something to smile about.

sunday it was to just get out of the house. not anywhere specific, to go out without an actual plan. i feel like sometimes i torture myself with this idea that if there is no actual purpose to go out, i won't do it. so, i went out. i got out at what ever train station i felt the urge to and walked for a pleasing amount of time...until i saw a homeless man peeing into a bottle then i went home.

thursday it was to take a little extra time at 34th street, without complaining about the crowd. went to school in that area for about 5 years, and i haven't really been there. i took time to think about high school; i don't regret any of it.

yesterday it was to go to luch with a friend, and laugh really loud in an almost empty restaurant (not because it was bad, but because it was between meals technically). she was going through tough stuff too, so we just talked and ate really good indian food. after lunch i went to the other side of town, because i felt like it not because i had to. i got some really cute rain booties.

today i will finally go to a movie alone. i've been wanting to try to go alone for a while and today it just worked out. speaking of which it's time to go.

do something for you today.

How Can I Put This Lightly...

i'm really ticked. i wish that i could really write it all out but i'm not at that stage of the anger yet. so, i need help. how do you get "unangry"? what is your best tip for me?

hope you had a better day.

I Have an Announcement....

Let it be know that I Samantha, have taken and PASSED the test to receive a New York State Lerner's Permit. I will receive said permit in about ten days.

thank you.

P.S. I was under the impression that the DMV would be hellacious. Not so. Thank you Bronx DMV for making this processes a snap.

In the Works

so there's been a lot going on...well not all that much. but, i have decided to start some new craft projects. a skirt fashioned from an old pair of jeans, chairs to be reappolstered, maybe a t-shirt or two, and a new blog http://thestoryofmymothers.blogspot.com/, all works in progress but i will have pictures soon.

happy trails.

Don't be Alarmed, I'm Alive

to quote an eighties song "i made it through the wilderness". i did really, or at least through what, through comparison is the wilderness. i survived with flying colors. i am proud of myself, granted, i've been through worse. sometimes i think life now, cannot compare to what it once was. it is really good now.
all i have to do now is "get job, shala la la shala la la la la". it's another song. don't know it? don't worry about it. it will be okay.
so i'm alive, kicking and apparently singing in my head. you should try it. it really is fun.

Point A to Point B

we finally moved. parental unit has been talking about moving for some time now. i'm not extremely happy but it is something that is right, for her, for me, and others involved. i'm excited for a new start. i haven't had one in the city for sometime.

we left the apartment that i grew up in. the one that i learned how to cook in. the one where i was during the first blackout in my life time. the one where we ran and played. the one where my brother threw my monopoly money out the window during one of the many games of cops and robbers. the one we had cheesy parties in.

but for as many funny and fun memories there are, the difficult ones did not make the stay worth it. it is time to let go. to fully let go of that home, because that, that wasn't the place that i remember from my childhood anymore. it was changed.

the walls were all different colors. they all had stains and markings, i couldn't recognize them anymore. there were different cabinets, different tiles. it didn't feel the same. it was older now, older than what i ever thought it could be. we all saw difficult times.we grew up, though in different ways.

it's still a little sad for me, the way that things turned out. i know this is how they had to be, but it doesn't make it a whole lot easier.

i like the new place. it's all white. i'm dying to paint it all different colors. i don't think parental will like it if i do. it's time for a new life, i suppose i should start right?

Things that aren't my Science Paper...

i saw this blog the other day (too lazy to find it again) but it was called something like "things that aren't my thesis statement", so this is my version of that.

1. polynesian cultural association performances (2)
2. my computer information technology homework, while also very important and pressing, not the said science paper
3. blogging
4. blog stalking
5. taking a very nice, though brief, walk
6. thinking about things that have nothing to do with the actual paper; like why waste time and energy writing a decent paper that no one will ever read. and the people that i want to have the courage to talk to. don't ask. won't tell you. seriously. not even interesting.

the point, my science class is lame. "boo, get off the stage" lame. i question my teacher's ability to actually teach rather than talk for a good half hour. i also wonder if he is ever really parched after class. i'm loosing momentum. i've got a paper to write.

"Hugs from Home"

last year a good friend (pictured), and author of http://thelittlecollection.blogspot.com/, made me a quilt. a quilt i tell you! i can barely sum up the energy to write someone a letter on most days, and she made me a quilt.

i loved it because she made it, because she passed out the squares to those i know and love, because she asked them to write something for me, because she stitched it for me, and because it looked like me.

i read the squares with care. it felt like i could hear the voices of my friends and almost family. caressed the fabric for days and bragged to those who would listen. no one has a quilt that looks like mine.

my quilt hadn't been on my bed for a while. i saw it everyday so it didn't seem like i missed it, but last night i pulled it from the top shelf of my closest. i needed it.
as i opened it, it felt familiar. the type of warmth i knew, the type of warmth that you can only get from those who send their love.

i'm grateful for those who the Lord has put in my path. for those who have taught me since primary, who have taken the lessons they have learned and shared them with me.

my heart was softened when i got it the first time and it was full when i opened it last night. i love my quilt still. i love it because it gives me just the strength and courage i need, it reminds me of where i have come from, it reminds me of why i am where i am, and because it still looks like me.

( A, thank you, more than i can ever express)

A Guilt Trip to a Non-reader

dear mom,

this week was mother's weekend. you didn't come. i knew you wouldn't. it's idaho, who would.
i'm jealous that other moms came and their kids weren't even in the luau. their kids didn't even give a talk in church. i know you have to work. you always work really hard and though i love that about you it does make me sad. i think you work too hard.
you should have see me at the luau, it was so much fun. you missed out big time.

i gave a talk today, i chose the topic, it was hope. i don't think it was very good, i'm not fishing for a compliment but i didn't really enjoy it. i hope (get it hope?) someone got something out of it. i learned a lot preparing for it.

anyways, you should have been here 'cause i miss you a lot.

love you lady,
your favorite offspring.

i think too much...

so lately i've been using up a lot of time thinking about a lot of things.
it varies from the things that i am doing now to the things that i wish were doing (not that there are tangible things that i would rather be doing. i like where i am right now, physically anyways.)to things that i maybe might be doing in the near future and distant future.

i think about the person that i am and the person that i want to be. i think about the things that make me laugh and the things that i wish didn't.

i think about the things that i know and the things that i've learned. the things that i want to know and learn.

the thing is, i've been thinking a lot and i suppose it's not really an until someone talks to me and i don't think of a response! it makes for atrocious conversation.

well aside from that, there is something i've been working on and am really excited about. so last semester i joined the polynesian cultural association. it was really fun, so i'm doing it again this semester. next friday we are putting on a luau for mother's weekend. (on a side note, mother's weekend is just when the ones who pay for our schooling come and see what we are doing with their hard earned money!) so the show, we have been practicing a lot for extended periods of time, my thighs hurt. i think it has been totally worth it and i can't wait to perform again.

i love finding things that i love doing. i never thought that i would love doing something like this but i do. i love practicing. i love putting together costumes. i love doing my hair before the performance. i love the butterflies i get for hours before the performance. i love how i laugh when i mess up or when people cheer. i love how excited i get for a week before. i'm so excited.

what are you excited for?

Philosophy Revisited...

i'm pretty sure i get this from the parental unit numero uno, but as i spoke to a friend recently the notion reappeared in my head and i remembered how much i love this philosophy. it's kind of a big deal...are you ready for this?

we, as human beings are entitled to happiness! yes i said entitled, (and i normally do not like that word but that is the one that suits this particular day, so there).
if you are not happy with were you are mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually you have every right to change whatever you can to improve your happiness.

i love this because it reminds me that i have stewardship over my emotions. that is why they are called "my emotions" they are mine! i get to keep them and control them. i know full well that it is just another of those easier said than done things but aren't they always so much more worth it?

so there are my two cents on that. find your joy...everyday!

Finding...

i have been trying so hard to be decisive. i usually am. normally i know exactly how i feel and how i would react to certain things but, right now, i just feel like i don't know.

with learning new things, and seeing new things i feel like my mind has been opened to all the things i don't know. i'm trying to find truth.

sometimes i wish i were at a different stage in my life. at times i wish i had a remote control for my life, where i could just fast forward and come out having learned the same lessons i would have had i gone through it all. i'm trying to find time.

right now, i don't really know what i want. i don't really know how i feel about certain things. i hate being confused. it's one of the most frustrating things for me, a combination of two right now; being confused and being frustrated at my confusion. and what makes it worse for me, is that friends, family, and friends of the family ask me about the things that make me the most uncomfortable, and these are things that are normal, that people just talk about, and i can't. it makes me cringe. and most of the time, as part of my nature, i develop automatic responses to the things that i can't really answer with complete sincerity without feeling vulnerable. (but here i am pouring my soul out in the blog-o-sphere).

i haven't come to terms with somethings that i have done and things that i haven't. it's been a hard journey and it's still difficult. sometimes i think that things just keep coming up, and i just drown in this glass of water that is my emotions. i'm trying to find real feelings.

so i'm just trying to find something...everything i guess. i'm trying to find the strength to forgive and take part of that growth that comes with that.

i'm trying to find the peace. i'm trying to find the smiles...you know the real ones that just come out randomly throughout the day.

i'm trying to find.

i found these pictures and i like them. they are from when i we to seattle last year.

they remind me that beauty and joy may coincide, so maybe, if i find inherent beauty i can find joy...that seems plausible. right??

okay...

so i was going to blog about some moron's idea of a great comment on a poem.
i was going to say how stupid i think it is that people don't understand that when you preface a comment with "i don't want to offend anyone but..." then you probably shouldn't say what you're thinking about saying anyways because you are going to offend someone.
but, i'm not going to do that. instead i will focus on the good today...

today, i turned in my assignment on time.
i got to class on time.
i learned.
i appreciated the things that i learned and hope to use them latter on in my life.
i appreciate that i think differently than other people.
i'm glad that in recent years i've learned to brush things off and not let them tick me off (though somethings still do).

i think it was an average day.

Help Me Out Here

i feel i have to write this out. to sort this out. to clear my thoughts and try and move on from this.
i was just starting to get used to this friend of a friend. (it takes me time to try to understand people and want to spend time with them).
i was almost there today but, you know that saying "spoke to soon"? well, apparently, i thought too soon. i thought:
"today is a good day with this guy. i'm starting to get to know him and understand why he is friends with these girls. he seems okay". and then...

we were sitting at the diner table, having, in my opinion, the best diner conversation we have ever had and then he spoke. out of turn, out of line, in offense.

"i have trouble remembering names. when i was in africa i gave up 'cause everybody looks the same. all the africans looked the same."

i haven't decided if i'm in the right about being upset by this comment (which by the way, continued much further than this).

but, my question to self is, why am i so upset?
is it his ignorance?
why should i be upset that someone is ignorant???isn't it their problem and not mine?

the most accurate explanation i can give is that it upsets me beyond the surface problem of me thinking he is a moron. what i am really upset about right now is that someone who knows and has the same religious values as i could think this way. but i shouldn't be surprised. we all have a different set of life experiences. what affects me will not affect others the same way. we don't all get the same message from the same lecture, so why would it be different with religion, which we take upon ourselves to learn and live?

so, i guess the next step is to move on in a mature way. forgetting the feelings of the "i never want to look you square in the eye again" and "you no longer exist to me" and the ever present "how do i drop kick him in the face and not get in trouble at all "these are not the answer. right??

so what should i do? yes, you who ever you are reading this, what should i do?
what would you do? honestly.

thanks for listening. hope you've had better.

Just putting it out there...

here is something that i've learned and yet continue to re-learn almost every day. are you ready for this? it's kind of a big deal. ready?

LIFE IS FLIPPPIN' HARD!!!!!
no matter where you are and what you are doing it is going to be, for that moment, the hardest thing that you've ever been through. and as we all get older things just get more and more complicated. that is just the way it is. and like the 12 step plan, admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.so the purpose of this post is mainly to remind myself that life isn't a cake walk for anyone. it may be easier for some in comparison to others, but overall, people struggle. those who look like they have got it together simply look that way because either they know something we don't or they have got the attitude to deal with what they've got with grace. we should all be so lucky. sometimes we are. sometimes we can bring it together and make it something good. sometimes we can laugh it off while it's happening. for me this isn't one of those times.so, i've decided that for today, i will allow my self some time. today, i will let it all out. today i will be a flamin' hot mess and that will be okay because when it is all gone, tomorrow will be a better day. and the hard stuff will have been worth living.

Dirty Little Secret...

okay, so i have all these secret little fantasies about life experiences that i want to have. one of them was to work in an office. i'm not a super organized person but i do enjoy lists and doing things in order, so, i guess i have the potential to be a "neat freak" but i don't like those kind of labels though they do have a nice ring to them don't they??
anyways, another little fantasy is to be a waitress. i don't know why i think it would be so interesting but growing up in a big city i wanted to experience a small diner and have "regulars" and know exactly what they want every time they came in. maybe i've watched too many movies like "it could happen to you". but i think it could be really cool.

so what's your little fantasy?

My Grievances

okay so i'm back at school like i wanted but as usual things are not going as planned.
this is something that i am trying so desperately to work on. i plan everything out to the t and then things never go the way i plan. NEVER! but i continue to plan. i've had a few years with the use of reason but i still can't handle the fact that i've got to let things flow. the thing is that life always works out a thousand times better than anything that i could ever plan, all the more reason for me to stop planning things out so much.
i need help.
that's all for now.
sam

I'm So Excited

so i arrived yesterday morning in columbus. today we went to kirtland. it was an interesting experience to visit a place where so many others have been and lived and examine their work and customs and contributions to history.
on the 3hrs drive back "home" i was thinking about where i was and what i had the opportunity to do yesterday, today, and tomorrow. as usual i was surprised that i was doing something that wasn't really in my plans for a long time but was something that i really wanted to do. i feel somewhat fulfilled and pleased with myself for taking a small chance and doing something that i wanted for myself. it's nothing big but it's pleasing and i just wanted to share my small joy and step into the dredded adulthood, because, i just want to take it slow, i don't want to reach adulthood and be shocked by it and have to change all at once. i want to do it slow and steady.