*wipes dust* is this thing on?

Hi friends!

How's everybody doing?...it's been almost 10 years.

it's 2025. I'm 35.and in a lot of ways I'm in the same place I was 10 years ago. And in many ways I'm not.

I frequently think about who I used to be. And because I sometimes resent some of the things that I've experienced, I resent the person I used to be. I want to work on that...

and since the internet is forever, and this was by far my most public endeavor, I'm going to revisit...

...THE BLOG I WROTE IN MY 20's...

...I never had a twitter...

I'm not sure how this is going to go, but there are going to be a few guarantees.

There will be *eye-rolling*, sarcasm, snark, deep breaths, uncomfortable laughter and tension.

The goal is to figure out how to have some compassion for that person. Join me on what will surely be an awkward, funny, but ultimately heart-warming journey. 

peace.

The Lord looketh on the heart, but what can I see?

Hello and welcome.

I'm blogging again.

I've decided that I'm going to study out a spiritual question(s) each week and then blog about it.

The question(s): How do I know if I am being sincere in my spiritual endeavors? How do I know if I have real intent in my heart when I pray, study, renew, or, repent? 

Here's what I've learned.

1 Samuel 16:7, that is where that scripture is found. In this story, Samuel had the task of searching out the king whom God had chosen. Jesse (as in "the rod of Jesse") presents his sons to Samuel, who is to bring about the will of God. This is where the story gets interesting.

Imagine if you will, a man being told "One of your sons is the man whom God has chosen to rule his people." Don't you think that this man would start with the one that he thought would be most fitting? And what if you were the person giving the "yes" or "no", don't you think that you would be influenced in some measure by your own thoughts and ideals?

The way picture it is this: Jesse's son, Eliab to see Samuel. Samuel thinks something along the lines of "well, he looks like he could be king." Maybe he was tall and strong. But the Lord says this to Him...

"Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart."

God taught Samuel, and is teaching us that the way that a person looks does not give an accurate representation of how they stand before the Lord. Our value to Him is beyond our physical appearance. It lies within our hearts. That is why the questions for this week were important to me. God doesn't really care whether I wear my hair curly or whether my foundation matches my skin tone perfectly. He cares about whether I've made a real change in my heart. My hope is that that is what I will value most as well.

To be continued...

I Finally Get It

so, i kinda forgot i had a blog. or anything to blog about. but today i have something to share.

for as long as i can remember, my favorite season has been fall. perhaps it's the fact that the name itself is a verb describing the season. the gradual drop in temperature, the leaves, the number of sun lit hours. or maybe it is change in the tone of my surroundings. the change from summer carefree air to the focused season; between light and airy summer and icy persistent winter. i've always loved the fall and never understood why people love spring so much, but today it clicked.

as i strolled through my neighborhood this afternoon. it dawned on me. people love this because it marks the end of something that just a few days ago seemed all encompassing and never ending. spring is a reminder of the universe's ability to renew, transform, and overcome. it is a testament of hope. 

normally, i'm okay with winter. it sucks, but i'm okay with it. but this year i felt a bit of desperation a couple of times having to endure this especially awful season. but today, it was clear and bright, like the sky. spring was over due. it seemed like a new beginning. a time to try again. to hope, again. and i needed that. 

Graduation: It's About Stinkin' Time!

that's right, internet i dun gradumatated.
i'm officially an edjumucated broad.

my mom came out to idaho (for the first time) for the graduation. initially, we were a bit on the fence about her coming out because it would be expensive and i didn't want to make a fuss. as loud as i am, i still have trouble with people making a fuss over me, especially my mami (that's dominican for mommy). i digress.

she called one night and said in her sappiest voice "you're the only daughter i have; i'm not going to have anymore..." "because you're old and you don't have a uterus, huh?" i responded, the epitome of sensitivity. "don't help," she continued " "i want to be there and take pictures and get a video."

so we bought her plane ticket that night.

beth and i drove down to pick her up in slc. since it was her first time in slc, we decided to get over to temple square. the lady was not impressed. figures. we got back to idaho on saturday night. late. super late.

at church, everyone was so excited to meet my mom. so i paraded her around like the cutest prettiest show pony. and we invited people over to hangout with the roommates and my mom. that was super fun, but kinda awkward. there was some unitentioall "we're mormons in our twenties so what else are we going to do" type of flirting that happened right infront of my mom and some small children. awkward. fun, though.

monday i had my last tax final-FOUR HOURS!! ugh! accounting. and there was lots of packing and cleaning.
tuesday i had my religion final in class. mom came to that. it was great. i really loved that class for a lot of reasons. my teacher made me talk more to impress my mom. that was cool.

and then....

I'm Not Dead

i've been making a more conscious effort to stay connected to people but it has proven to be a bit more difficult than i originally thought. my computer died a month before school ended, which meant that post graduation life has been technologically limited. no blogging. no email (for the most part). strictly texting and awkward phone calls. it has been fun, but today the technology gods have smiled upon me. my mom's friend gave me a laptop (and of course the thing that i choose to do is blog). i'm going to omit the details of the events that have lead to this gift because they are the personal details of this person's life and i love and respect her enough to not publish her life on the inerwebs. all i can say is that i am grateful that she is who she is and that i am now typing on a laptop that works.

please stay tuned for posts including:
graduation 2013: it was about stinkin' time
curly hair unleashed
post graduate life: kickin' it old school
job search 2013: adventures in adulthood
facebook: a reunion of all sorts


and other spectacular tales of adventure and reflection. gosh, i missed this.

peace out.

Right Now

so, first things first, i just finished a post on the roommate blog. click here. 

second, i suppose an update is in order. i haven't blogged in a while because that things that i think about the most these days seem to be more personal or accounting related than i am used to sharing on the blog. sufficient to say, that there are changes brewing. and while these changes might be normal to others, they are gargantuan for me.

moving on.

soooo, i'm graduating in july. i've no idea what i'm doing yet. do you know anyone that wants to hire a recent BYU-Idaho graduate with a BS in Accounting and a couple Humanities clusters? no? okay, well if you hear of anything go ahead and let me know, i'm pretty much willing to move anywhere 'cause jumping into the abyss that is true adulthood is freakin' me out. not every day just some days.  

don't worry, life has never been any better than it is now. i know things will work out, don't tell me that; i already know that. it is just a little helpful to worry sometimes and remember that not everything is in my control.

i'm just fine,

sam

p.s. you wanna come to my graduation? it'll be super fun :)

Watch Your Thoughts

at the end of last semester, i had a thought: "oh man, my last semester is going to be so much fun, it is going to be so easy! i'll have a few classes, but i'll be able to have lots of free time which means lots of playtime!" i was so excited. and then, i got a little text message "Can you meet with bishop tonight at 9:30?"

i've never wanted to avoid the bishop so much in my life. my roommates and i were scheduled to have a little dinner at our best chinese place in rexburg and all i could think was "pfft! i got plans! who do they think they are trying to get me to come in TODAY! no, i'm not going. what do they want anyway? i didn't do anything!"  i figured by the time that we got back from dinner, it would be too late to go see the bishop. it wasn't. i went. i got a calling.

to the dismay of many, i've been called as one of the relief society presidents in my ward. honestly, i don't know what the good Lord was thinking or why i'm doing this. what i do know is that He knows me and He knows what i have the capacity to do. He has sustained me and will continue to sustain me through all of the things that i have to do this semester. i'm grateful for the past experiences that have taught me that.

so much for an easy last semester, though.

p.s.
my roommates and i have stared a blog. i know its cheesy, but we really love each other so you can read if you want. blogity blog blog

a night of well mannered frivolity

i've had a number of those the past few weeks. i've had the pleasure of meeting several amazing people through one of my fantastic roommates. and well, frivolity has ensued many a time. but this evening, tonight is different.

sometimes, the most unexpected things bring the most unexpected joy. we all know that rexburg is a strange land with even stranger weather patterns. tonight, amid the thoughts of spring, it began to snow. a roommate and i decided that we needed to hole up with chips and the count of monte cristo, so we made our way to the store. there are about 6 inches of snow out there. and i was happy to see them all.

today, the snow was a happy reminder. a reminder that i have so little control over anything. a reminder of the stillness that comes from chaos; i know that sounds like an oxymoron, but trust me, there is calm in chaos. tonight, as i looked up at the white sky, i remembered that snow falls at its own pace. tonight the snow fell slow, steady, and determined. unchanged by any thoughts of wishing it away. 

life is good and i'm happy. six inches of snow and all.

Too Hot to Handle

last april, my friend beth and i went on a little hike. when we made it back down r mountain, i discovered that my arms were spotted with small red bumps. i shrugged it off, blaming it on dehydration. fast forward to the end of a zumba class. hives. hives everywhere: arms, stomach, legs.burning, itching swelling hives. every time i exercised i broke out in hives. talk about an incentive to not work out, as if i needed one.

the last straw was a couple weeks* ago. i went to what was possibly the worst zumba class of my life for only half an hour. on my way home i could feel my temperature rising. by the time i got home, my body was coverd in hives. my top lip was swollen to twice its normal size. really though, i looked like i got botox...and you know i don't need no botox! so i finally went to the health center and got it checked out.

although the doctor was surprised, he had a diagnosis: urticaria- a fancy word for hives. he also had a prescription. every night i had to take a little white pill, an antihistamine of sorts. the benefit? today, i went running. i put on my shoes and got on a treadmill. i only ran a mile, but it was the greatest mile i've ever run because at the end of it, there were no hives.

*note: i wrote this a couple days ago. by "a couple" i mean like a week.

Happy Thoughts

i feel like i haven't had a happy blog post for a while. so i will share some happiness while the endorphins are high! 

here are a few things that brought me happiness today:

*i have an internship! it is such a blessing in my life! i'm so grateful to be a the point where i can complete an internship! and you know what? i get to help all kinds of people understand something that they generally are intimidated by and it is so cool!

*i have great roommates! they are kind and funny and sometimes we rough house and since i'm bigger than they are i pretty much always win because i get to decide when to stop.

*food. glorious food. i love it and i'm so grateful to have it everyday.

*friends. i have the greatest friends! they are funny and smart and wonderful!

*co-workers. i have really great co-workers. when we are not busy with tax things we just talk and it is great.

*the love of God that i feel whenever i tune in. He is there, just waiting on me to let go of anger and frustration so that i can make room for His love.

*our clean apartment. seriously, the roommates.

*being honest with myself. (there will eventually be a post about this honesty process. at some point.)

*our home evening group. we came together and talked and decided that we would be friends! i love friends.

*my friends having babies. my co-worker thinks that she is going to somehow convince my to be more excited about having kids. we are both very single but she wants babies. i'm not on that chapter of this journey. i'm perfectly content being cool auntie sam to all those cute little babies that will eventually go back to their parents.

okay, there is my list of happy things for today! think on your happy moments!

I Wish it Were Steak

january is over, and what a month it was. i have a lot on my plate at the moment and although i've heard people say that when you have too much on your plate, the Lord makes your plate bigger, i would much rather Him turn whatever is on my plate into a big juicy steak. but i digress.

from the top: i currently have two callings (in order of acceptance) home evening group leader and second counselor in Relief Society. you may be saying to yourself "but that can't be right, i've read that variation of a calling complaint before." fret not, dear friends, tis true. the latter is a calling that i've had before, though it appears i may have missed the lesson, and so... here's to learning.

i'm also completing an internship for the much coveted accounting degree. i like taxes. there, i said it. are you happy now? it taps into every bit of accounting and office work nerdiness in me. it is great! (trust that exclamation point, i don't wield the power of exclamation lightly.) along with the internship, i'm taking what some call the most difficult accounting class in our degree program. it is kicking my butt.

i know that we are never given more than we can handle. i know that right now is right. everything is in the place that it needs to be. and life is overall good and wonderful and beautiful, but it would be better with steak. i'm just saying.

Accounting and Emotions Don't Mix

i'm having one of those days. one of those days where i feel like i'm at the verge of tears every second i'm alone. it stinks. it stinks because i don't have anything to be upset about. i have an internship that is going well thus far. i have food. my friends are still amazing. and the cherry on top? it is sunny in rexburgia. cold as all get out, but today we get to see the sun. happiness.

but that said, i was sitting in accounting and my teacher is going on and on about puts and calls and stocks and bonds and percentage rates and present values and payments. while i did catch most of what he said, i couldn't make myself care. i didn't care about any of it. stupid feelings, they've basically never served me well. and now that i think about it, i've never been able to force myself to care about anything. not the trees being cut down. not the dolphins in the tuna cans. not peta. and certainly not the fate of the kardashians, though they are not really worth caring about.

either way, i've got a test to take tomorrow which means i need to be studying not wallowing. soyonara.

Rexburg...Again

i'm back in school. 'cause i still have to finish. but the greatest thing is that the end is closer now than it has ever been. 

on sunday, i had the opportunity to bare my testimony. part of that testimony is that i know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and that everything that has happened in my life has been for a purpose. everything has led to this point, this amazing wonderful point. and as is the custom for the mormons, i found a quote that sums up my point: 

“However you may be, be your own source of experience. Throw off your discontent about your nature. Forgive yourself, your own self. You have it in your power to merge everything you have lived through; false starts, errors, delusions, passions, your loves and your hopes into your goal with nothing left over.”

— Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Christmas Our Way

okay so here's the deal: i hate christmas. every year, after thanksgiving, (which incidentally, is my favorite holiday) i tell myself "this is is it. this is the year that i finally love christmas. this is the year that the magic happens and my heart and mind are forever changed to love this insipid holiday." and every year, it is the same. it is simply too much. i'm bombarded with echoes of bells, reindeer, snow, and the everlovin' mariah carey and her chorus of "all I want for christmas is yoooooouuuuuuoououououou!*high note* baby!" ugh... oh and let's not forget the ever patronizing "feliz navidad". i've never harbored such feelings of resentment toward a blind man. and then, i'm just back where i started. but this year was different, though not the kind of different that you would hope for.

this i year i decided that i would simply accept my feelings toward this time of year. i realized that the only reason that anytime that i wanted to change my feelings about this holiday it came from someone else telling me that i should. it was always someone else telling me that this was a wonderful thing and i should get in the spirit of it. and i felt guilty for not loving something that others love so much. but this year, i realized that in my life, i've never felt sorry for disliking things that others love. like: playing duck, duck, goose or chatting on aol or goosebumps or reading harry potter or twilight or playing sports or jell-o or star wars or ice cream with fruit in it... this list goes on and on. this year was a year of self acceptance. and it was wonderful.

this year, our family celebrated on the eve, as we always do. we went to my great-aunt's house. she's the best cook on my father's side of the family, so it was totally worth being there. but, do you know what the best part was? the best part was connecting to my past and present family by celebrating the way that dominicans do. 

after eating dinner, we danced. we put on really loud music and we danced to the rythms that past generations danced to. my great-aunt made jokes about her sister (whom we all love) and gave a great impression. my mother, between drum beats, told me about her father and reminded me how my grandpa danced before he got too religious. and i found so much happiness and caught a glimpse of the future and the past while dancing with my mami. we didn't leave my aunt's til three a.m. 

as i walked out of her building, full plate of food in hand, i said to mami "well, that's why none of the neighbors complain about the music, they all have their own music on!" she replied, "it's christmas! that's how we do it!"

I'm Just Gonna Leave This Here...

i laughed harder at this than i have at anything in a long while. i love this. the end.

Too Far

ladies and gentlemen of the free world, the legging trend has gone too far.

today i walked mom to the train. it was a nice, brisk, autumn morning. totes norms. the sun was shining. the wind was blowing. and the leaves were falling like a classic new york movie. you know, a la "you've got mail". until i saw a man in the crosswalk.

he looked average. and then i noticed that he was wearing tighty-whities. how did i know that he was wearing tighty-whities? because i could see homeboy's underwear line through his super tight workout leggings. too far. too far.

make it stop.

Ironic

those of you who read this blog probably know this about me: i'm a decent cook. oh who are am i kidding here here with the "modesty" card? i'm a dang good cook! but i'm not really proficient in the ways of sweets and treats because i would rather eat savory food. so that's what i am really good at making. i make dinner for the parental most every night, but i don't make dessert. she doesn't complain or really make requests so it's a happy life for us both. yesterday i made an exception, because let's face it, my birthday is coming up and i'm trying to score points. don't judge.

she requested spagehtti and meatballs (one of my specialties) and i decided that i would make her some  jell-o for dessert because she really likes it. this led to a discovery of sorts.

 1) i've never made jell-o.
 2) i don't know how to make it.

 apparently, i screwed up the jell-o. in my defense, i hate anything that falls into the mysterious, gelatinous, or texturally uncertain category (such a category includes, but is not limited to: tripe, liver, jell-o, jelly beans, and rice pudding). so there it is. i can cook anything, except jell-o. and you that's not even cooking.

Some Nights

some nights* my mom and i just hang around. we have family home evening and sing hyms in spanish off-key. and we watch debates and yell at the candidates. we make easy sandwhich dinners. and we laugh. and talk about things honestly and cry. but mostly, we laugh. tonight we made apple pie from scratch. nights like these are my favorite. we work together, we laugh at each other, we serve one another, and mostly we talk. and the talking is my favorite part.

aren't we just so cute and nerdy with our glasses?

i love my mom. she is the coolest person i know. she is the bee's knees. the cat's pajamas. the cat's meow. she is my home slice. ma' numba one homie g.



*i called this post some nights because this night was a rare one for our little family but also because i'm in love with the song of the same title. 

Like a Granny

i think i just got a glimpse of what old age is going to look like for me. i'm sitting in my comfy inside clothes (clothes one does not wear outside. ever.) watching political commentaries, and embroidering. on an embroidery hoop. like a granny. it's like being a boss, but you're old with less energy and zero tolerance for nonsense.

Ewww.

so i found a bug bit on my arm this morning and thought "ooo what if it is a spider bite?" i decided i would investigate. by investigate of course i mean google. (side note: google isn't just a proper noun anymore, it is a verb. fancy.) after some brief research i decided that what i have is definitely not a spider bite 'cause spider bites are disgusting. don't google it. i also learned what to do in the event of being bitten by a black widow or recluse. the more you know.