Ponderings

i sit here wondering "what the heck is wrong with me?" i had a sort of argument with my mother and older brother about my realtionship with said brother. it has NEVER been a good one. he thinks about himself before anyone and everyone else. and he says that it is human nature. that this world is about surviaval of the fitist and it is most important that he survive before anyone else. but my young mind asks what are we fighting each other to survive? what is it that my brother who does nothing all day is trying to survive?
the other thing that bothered me about our argument was that my brother called me rude and judgemental. which are two of the things about my personality that i really don't like. they are some of the worse things about myself but they surface when i put my guard up(which automatically happens in ny). i guess it just stings when one of the people i judge the most calls me out on it.
i'm working on my flaws but there are too many to work on at once and it doesnt help to have them tossed in my face. more than once.
so there. i'm judgemental and rude. all the time. its not okay but i'll work on it. i promise myself i would.

Just For Kicks and giggles!

Let's Share a memory!

1. As a comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember!

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty funny to see the responses. I will revisit your blog and leave a memory as well!!

The Unsung Heros of Public Events

yesterday was amazing and i wish i had a picture to display but the organizers were kind of picky about picture taking. but guess who i got to see perform at the conference center with mo tab........the osmonds!!! yes it was amazing. ther was an orchestra, several conductors and a couple jazz instrument players. so much mormon musical talent in one giant room it could have exploded. i enjoyed the slide shows of pictures from decades that i don't have the mental capacity to fully imagine on my own, the songs of loves past and the wardrobe....oh how i love clothes.

but as i sat there i was slightly (by slightly i mean massively) distracted by the camera men and the little details.

there were several slide shows and graphic displays for the massive screens and i wondered whose job was it to put those together for the free yes i said free event? who picked marie's dresses? who made those dresses? who did the choreography?but even further on the small details performed by people whose names weren't in the program....there was a guy holding a camera that walked across the stage several times to get the great shots for the big screens...but even better...a guy hunched over or on his knees for an hour and a half winding and unwinding the cord for this hand held camera! that was amazing to me partially b/c i'm having a tough time bending over for reasons that will be presented in a later post but partially b/c the show was free! his name wasn't on the program, there aren't any credits (like for movies) where his family can pick out his name next to some random label like "cord holder" or "crawling guy with the cord"or "assistant camera man" . it isn't fair. lets put his name on the big screen with funkadelic colors! or even better lets give him a show or write him a song!

I'm a quiter, so sue me!

this is the only time that i will allow my self to quit. i was planning to stay in the busling metropolis that is rexburg until my flight on friday but after day one of realizing what it would really be like i gavve up and got out. i've never packed so fast in my entire life especially not for this long of a time. i called S and got my ride arranged for the shuttle and three hours latter was thanking Funkadelic for the ride. i'm glad i got out. 7 months in nowheresville is bad enough when there are people there, can you imagine it with no one around but the grounds crews and the freshmen academy????

Guns don't kill people...

so over the 4th of july i was introduced to the wonder that is a gun. now i'm definately a city girl and will be my whole life but as it turns out...i like guns...i don't want to kill anything... ever... but i like shooting. so there. now to the point of the post.
yesterday my bishop took me and a few friends out to what he called "the family dry farm". now what a dry farm is i haven't the slightest idea, but there were open fields and a canyon...yes a canyon, but most importantly barrettas.
so i shoot a few rounds got comfortable, shot a few more and then my arms got sore. i still want to play but it is getting slightly more difficult to hold up a gun but i do it anyways. with the gun loaded(though pointing away from everyone) i get tired and lower it to my waist, my finger slips and lands firmly on the trigger and yes you guessed it the gun goes off. the first thing the bishop says is "that's how people get killed." way to comfort there bishop.
well, my friend T told me i should just shoot again so that i wouldn't be so scared of the gun itself. so i shot. several times. and later on determined that i would much rather shoot a 22 than a bigger gun.
moral of the story: guns don't kill people, stupid people with guns kill people. (does not apply to all cases just most).

Got mangu?

what is it about human nature that makes us want what we can't have?

i thought about it this morning as i prepared my "interesting" breakfast, pasta with veggies after my morning "jog".it makes perfect sense. don't judge me. as i stirred my shells i thought of what i would rather be eating, dominican food, mangu specifically. mangu is the amazingness that happens when you take green plantains(if you don't know what those are google it) boil them and mash them with butter, and onions sauteed in butter or oil. it is amazing (photo included). i have an interesting relationship with food. i love it and it loves my thighs. but really i love food more than your average person. i love the smells, colors, combinations, and of course the taste of it all. i'll try anything once, if it smells good. and since i have left home my obsession has only increased. i want to experiment and try different food from all over the world. but this post isn't about food. (focus sam!) although that does bring me back to my point, we want things that we can not have, whether we are talking immediately or for the rest of our lives. let me explain.

i want to travel the world and eat in every continent once or twice(do you see where my focus is). i would love to do it now but i can't. i don't have the money or the time or any of the other means. but i know that if i keep that in mind i will one day be able to do it. i'm not going to wait to be rich to do it either. so i can have that. eventually.

but this is where it gets difficult. there are things that i want that i will never be able to have and things that would take lots of work and effort to attain.

we'll start with the first. i will never be able to have longer legs. i'm a whopping 5'6". i'm the shortest in my family. i would enjoy being a little taller but i'm done. i had my growth spurt at 14 i think and haven't grown much since then. why do i want that? i know my life wouldn't really be different but i think it would be nice. nice. there is no rhyme or reason just the thought that it could be nice.

the things that would be difficult.

i want to run. fast. often. it's hard. 'nough said.

so there. i want what i can't have. and maybe that's what can keep me going and keep me motivated and keep me trying.

p.s. i've included a picture of the deliciousness that is mangu and a shirt that i would love to own.

The Walk-in

so i've kind of made it a habit of talking on my phone on the porch. i don't know why i like it but i do, whether it is day or night i would much rather be outside talking and im not even an outdoors person im a city girl. anyways, back to the point. im out side its dark and the rexburg heat is finally dying down and the wind was amazing. after talking for a while i decided i better get back inside if i wanted to get something productive done. as i stood up from the steps i remembered that my roommate had been inside with her bf. i looked at my apt door it was closed and the lights were off so i figured eh no one is home, so i went to chat it up with the neighbors. productive right?
after cutting fish out of aluminum (don't ask) the productivity just keeps coming, and talking for a while i decided it was a good time to head inside, my own house this time and then the thought popped into my head, i didn't see my roommate or her bf come out. i told my friend V. she offered to walk in first assuring me that they knew better with them being older, and here longer, having experienced the honor code longer, she was confident in them. she opened the door and sure enough there they were and the thickness of an awkward feeling come over the apt. now they weren't doing anything really inappropriate but it wasn't the best experience i have ever had.
V and i moved to my room to gag in private.
so there. i walked in on my roommate and her bf. in the dark. probably sucking face.
in reality it wasn't that bad but it was awkward.
i haven't said more than two words to her since. not on purpose. i just have nothing to say. the awkwardness lingers.
i figure there is only one week of school left i can live through this. i've been through worse.