i think too much...

so lately i've been using up a lot of time thinking about a lot of things.
it varies from the things that i am doing now to the things that i wish were doing (not that there are tangible things that i would rather be doing. i like where i am right now, physically anyways.)to things that i maybe might be doing in the near future and distant future.

i think about the person that i am and the person that i want to be. i think about the things that make me laugh and the things that i wish didn't.

i think about the things that i know and the things that i've learned. the things that i want to know and learn.

the thing is, i've been thinking a lot and i suppose it's not really an until someone talks to me and i don't think of a response! it makes for atrocious conversation.

well aside from that, there is something i've been working on and am really excited about. so last semester i joined the polynesian cultural association. it was really fun, so i'm doing it again this semester. next friday we are putting on a luau for mother's weekend. (on a side note, mother's weekend is just when the ones who pay for our schooling come and see what we are doing with their hard earned money!) so the show, we have been practicing a lot for extended periods of time, my thighs hurt. i think it has been totally worth it and i can't wait to perform again.

i love finding things that i love doing. i never thought that i would love doing something like this but i do. i love practicing. i love putting together costumes. i love doing my hair before the performance. i love the butterflies i get for hours before the performance. i love how i laugh when i mess up or when people cheer. i love how excited i get for a week before. i'm so excited.

what are you excited for?

Philosophy Revisited...

i'm pretty sure i get this from the parental unit numero uno, but as i spoke to a friend recently the notion reappeared in my head and i remembered how much i love this philosophy. it's kind of a big deal...are you ready for this?

we, as human beings are entitled to happiness! yes i said entitled, (and i normally do not like that word but that is the one that suits this particular day, so there).
if you are not happy with were you are mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually you have every right to change whatever you can to improve your happiness.

i love this because it reminds me that i have stewardship over my emotions. that is why they are called "my emotions" they are mine! i get to keep them and control them. i know full well that it is just another of those easier said than done things but aren't they always so much more worth it?

so there are my two cents on that. find your joy...everyday!

Finding...

i have been trying so hard to be decisive. i usually am. normally i know exactly how i feel and how i would react to certain things but, right now, i just feel like i don't know.

with learning new things, and seeing new things i feel like my mind has been opened to all the things i don't know. i'm trying to find truth.

sometimes i wish i were at a different stage in my life. at times i wish i had a remote control for my life, where i could just fast forward and come out having learned the same lessons i would have had i gone through it all. i'm trying to find time.

right now, i don't really know what i want. i don't really know how i feel about certain things. i hate being confused. it's one of the most frustrating things for me, a combination of two right now; being confused and being frustrated at my confusion. and what makes it worse for me, is that friends, family, and friends of the family ask me about the things that make me the most uncomfortable, and these are things that are normal, that people just talk about, and i can't. it makes me cringe. and most of the time, as part of my nature, i develop automatic responses to the things that i can't really answer with complete sincerity without feeling vulnerable. (but here i am pouring my soul out in the blog-o-sphere).

i haven't come to terms with somethings that i have done and things that i haven't. it's been a hard journey and it's still difficult. sometimes i think that things just keep coming up, and i just drown in this glass of water that is my emotions. i'm trying to find real feelings.

so i'm just trying to find something...everything i guess. i'm trying to find the strength to forgive and take part of that growth that comes with that.

i'm trying to find the peace. i'm trying to find the smiles...you know the real ones that just come out randomly throughout the day.

i'm trying to find.

i found these pictures and i like them. they are from when i we to seattle last year.

they remind me that beauty and joy may coincide, so maybe, if i find inherent beauty i can find joy...that seems plausible. right??

okay...

so i was going to blog about some moron's idea of a great comment on a poem.
i was going to say how stupid i think it is that people don't understand that when you preface a comment with "i don't want to offend anyone but..." then you probably shouldn't say what you're thinking about saying anyways because you are going to offend someone.
but, i'm not going to do that. instead i will focus on the good today...

today, i turned in my assignment on time.
i got to class on time.
i learned.
i appreciated the things that i learned and hope to use them latter on in my life.
i appreciate that i think differently than other people.
i'm glad that in recent years i've learned to brush things off and not let them tick me off (though somethings still do).

i think it was an average day.

Help Me Out Here

i feel i have to write this out. to sort this out. to clear my thoughts and try and move on from this.
i was just starting to get used to this friend of a friend. (it takes me time to try to understand people and want to spend time with them).
i was almost there today but, you know that saying "spoke to soon"? well, apparently, i thought too soon. i thought:
"today is a good day with this guy. i'm starting to get to know him and understand why he is friends with these girls. he seems okay". and then...

we were sitting at the diner table, having, in my opinion, the best diner conversation we have ever had and then he spoke. out of turn, out of line, in offense.

"i have trouble remembering names. when i was in africa i gave up 'cause everybody looks the same. all the africans looked the same."

i haven't decided if i'm in the right about being upset by this comment (which by the way, continued much further than this).

but, my question to self is, why am i so upset?
is it his ignorance?
why should i be upset that someone is ignorant???isn't it their problem and not mine?

the most accurate explanation i can give is that it upsets me beyond the surface problem of me thinking he is a moron. what i am really upset about right now is that someone who knows and has the same religious values as i could think this way. but i shouldn't be surprised. we all have a different set of life experiences. what affects me will not affect others the same way. we don't all get the same message from the same lecture, so why would it be different with religion, which we take upon ourselves to learn and live?

so, i guess the next step is to move on in a mature way. forgetting the feelings of the "i never want to look you square in the eye again" and "you no longer exist to me" and the ever present "how do i drop kick him in the face and not get in trouble at all "these are not the answer. right??

so what should i do? yes, you who ever you are reading this, what should i do?
what would you do? honestly.

thanks for listening. hope you've had better.

Just putting it out there...

here is something that i've learned and yet continue to re-learn almost every day. are you ready for this? it's kind of a big deal. ready?

LIFE IS FLIPPPIN' HARD!!!!!
no matter where you are and what you are doing it is going to be, for that moment, the hardest thing that you've ever been through. and as we all get older things just get more and more complicated. that is just the way it is. and like the 12 step plan, admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.so the purpose of this post is mainly to remind myself that life isn't a cake walk for anyone. it may be easier for some in comparison to others, but overall, people struggle. those who look like they have got it together simply look that way because either they know something we don't or they have got the attitude to deal with what they've got with grace. we should all be so lucky. sometimes we are. sometimes we can bring it together and make it something good. sometimes we can laugh it off while it's happening. for me this isn't one of those times.so, i've decided that for today, i will allow my self some time. today, i will let it all out. today i will be a flamin' hot mess and that will be okay because when it is all gone, tomorrow will be a better day. and the hard stuff will have been worth living.

Dirty Little Secret...

okay, so i have all these secret little fantasies about life experiences that i want to have. one of them was to work in an office. i'm not a super organized person but i do enjoy lists and doing things in order, so, i guess i have the potential to be a "neat freak" but i don't like those kind of labels though they do have a nice ring to them don't they??
anyways, another little fantasy is to be a waitress. i don't know why i think it would be so interesting but growing up in a big city i wanted to experience a small diner and have "regulars" and know exactly what they want every time they came in. maybe i've watched too many movies like "it could happen to you". but i think it could be really cool.

so what's your little fantasy?