Point A to Point B

we finally moved. parental unit has been talking about moving for some time now. i'm not extremely happy but it is something that is right, for her, for me, and others involved. i'm excited for a new start. i haven't had one in the city for sometime.

we left the apartment that i grew up in. the one that i learned how to cook in. the one where i was during the first blackout in my life time. the one where we ran and played. the one where my brother threw my monopoly money out the window during one of the many games of cops and robbers. the one we had cheesy parties in.

but for as many funny and fun memories there are, the difficult ones did not make the stay worth it. it is time to let go. to fully let go of that home, because that, that wasn't the place that i remember from my childhood anymore. it was changed.

the walls were all different colors. they all had stains and markings, i couldn't recognize them anymore. there were different cabinets, different tiles. it didn't feel the same. it was older now, older than what i ever thought it could be. we all saw difficult times.we grew up, though in different ways.

it's still a little sad for me, the way that things turned out. i know this is how they had to be, but it doesn't make it a whole lot easier.

i like the new place. it's all white. i'm dying to paint it all different colors. i don't think parental will like it if i do. it's time for a new life, i suppose i should start right?

Things that aren't my Science Paper...

i saw this blog the other day (too lazy to find it again) but it was called something like "things that aren't my thesis statement", so this is my version of that.

1. polynesian cultural association performances (2)
2. my computer information technology homework, while also very important and pressing, not the said science paper
3. blogging
4. blog stalking
5. taking a very nice, though brief, walk
6. thinking about things that have nothing to do with the actual paper; like why waste time and energy writing a decent paper that no one will ever read. and the people that i want to have the courage to talk to. don't ask. won't tell you. seriously. not even interesting.

the point, my science class is lame. "boo, get off the stage" lame. i question my teacher's ability to actually teach rather than talk for a good half hour. i also wonder if he is ever really parched after class. i'm loosing momentum. i've got a paper to write.

"Hugs from Home"

last year a good friend (pictured), and author of http://thelittlecollection.blogspot.com/, made me a quilt. a quilt i tell you! i can barely sum up the energy to write someone a letter on most days, and she made me a quilt.

i loved it because she made it, because she passed out the squares to those i know and love, because she asked them to write something for me, because she stitched it for me, and because it looked like me.

i read the squares with care. it felt like i could hear the voices of my friends and almost family. caressed the fabric for days and bragged to those who would listen. no one has a quilt that looks like mine.

my quilt hadn't been on my bed for a while. i saw it everyday so it didn't seem like i missed it, but last night i pulled it from the top shelf of my closest. i needed it.
as i opened it, it felt familiar. the type of warmth i knew, the type of warmth that you can only get from those who send their love.

i'm grateful for those who the Lord has put in my path. for those who have taught me since primary, who have taken the lessons they have learned and shared them with me.

my heart was softened when i got it the first time and it was full when i opened it last night. i love my quilt still. i love it because it gives me just the strength and courage i need, it reminds me of where i have come from, it reminds me of why i am where i am, and because it still looks like me.

( A, thank you, more than i can ever express)

A Guilt Trip to a Non-reader

dear mom,

this week was mother's weekend. you didn't come. i knew you wouldn't. it's idaho, who would.
i'm jealous that other moms came and their kids weren't even in the luau. their kids didn't even give a talk in church. i know you have to work. you always work really hard and though i love that about you it does make me sad. i think you work too hard.
you should have see me at the luau, it was so much fun. you missed out big time.

i gave a talk today, i chose the topic, it was hope. i don't think it was very good, i'm not fishing for a compliment but i didn't really enjoy it. i hope (get it hope?) someone got something out of it. i learned a lot preparing for it.

anyways, you should have been here 'cause i miss you a lot.

love you lady,
your favorite offspring.

i think too much...

so lately i've been using up a lot of time thinking about a lot of things.
it varies from the things that i am doing now to the things that i wish were doing (not that there are tangible things that i would rather be doing. i like where i am right now, physically anyways.)to things that i maybe might be doing in the near future and distant future.

i think about the person that i am and the person that i want to be. i think about the things that make me laugh and the things that i wish didn't.

i think about the things that i know and the things that i've learned. the things that i want to know and learn.

the thing is, i've been thinking a lot and i suppose it's not really an until someone talks to me and i don't think of a response! it makes for atrocious conversation.

well aside from that, there is something i've been working on and am really excited about. so last semester i joined the polynesian cultural association. it was really fun, so i'm doing it again this semester. next friday we are putting on a luau for mother's weekend. (on a side note, mother's weekend is just when the ones who pay for our schooling come and see what we are doing with their hard earned money!) so the show, we have been practicing a lot for extended periods of time, my thighs hurt. i think it has been totally worth it and i can't wait to perform again.

i love finding things that i love doing. i never thought that i would love doing something like this but i do. i love practicing. i love putting together costumes. i love doing my hair before the performance. i love the butterflies i get for hours before the performance. i love how i laugh when i mess up or when people cheer. i love how excited i get for a week before. i'm so excited.

what are you excited for?

Philosophy Revisited...

i'm pretty sure i get this from the parental unit numero uno, but as i spoke to a friend recently the notion reappeared in my head and i remembered how much i love this philosophy. it's kind of a big deal...are you ready for this?

we, as human beings are entitled to happiness! yes i said entitled, (and i normally do not like that word but that is the one that suits this particular day, so there).
if you are not happy with were you are mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually you have every right to change whatever you can to improve your happiness.

i love this because it reminds me that i have stewardship over my emotions. that is why they are called "my emotions" they are mine! i get to keep them and control them. i know full well that it is just another of those easier said than done things but aren't they always so much more worth it?

so there are my two cents on that. find your joy...everyday!

Finding...

i have been trying so hard to be decisive. i usually am. normally i know exactly how i feel and how i would react to certain things but, right now, i just feel like i don't know.

with learning new things, and seeing new things i feel like my mind has been opened to all the things i don't know. i'm trying to find truth.

sometimes i wish i were at a different stage in my life. at times i wish i had a remote control for my life, where i could just fast forward and come out having learned the same lessons i would have had i gone through it all. i'm trying to find time.

right now, i don't really know what i want. i don't really know how i feel about certain things. i hate being confused. it's one of the most frustrating things for me, a combination of two right now; being confused and being frustrated at my confusion. and what makes it worse for me, is that friends, family, and friends of the family ask me about the things that make me the most uncomfortable, and these are things that are normal, that people just talk about, and i can't. it makes me cringe. and most of the time, as part of my nature, i develop automatic responses to the things that i can't really answer with complete sincerity without feeling vulnerable. (but here i am pouring my soul out in the blog-o-sphere).

i haven't come to terms with somethings that i have done and things that i haven't. it's been a hard journey and it's still difficult. sometimes i think that things just keep coming up, and i just drown in this glass of water that is my emotions. i'm trying to find real feelings.

so i'm just trying to find something...everything i guess. i'm trying to find the strength to forgive and take part of that growth that comes with that.

i'm trying to find the peace. i'm trying to find the smiles...you know the real ones that just come out randomly throughout the day.

i'm trying to find.

i found these pictures and i like them. they are from when i we to seattle last year.

they remind me that beauty and joy may coincide, so maybe, if i find inherent beauty i can find joy...that seems plausible. right??