On This Friday Evening...

i wish i were the kind of blogger that posted sweet (as in tender) pictures. or filled her posts with quick quips or words of inspiration. i don't fit that category of people. instead, i'm all about not doing what is left of my accounting homework, while playing this Bob Marley song in my head. have a good weekend!

Thank You.

thank you. thank you for sharing your testimonies and your encouragement with me. thank you for reminding me that yes, i am only human, but that is all anyone is asking me to be. thank you for helping me know that i'm not the only one that feels these things and for telling me, with boldness and honesty as only you could, that the important thing is not to dwell on these. thank you for your love.

Honestly...

i've been toying with the idea of blogging for the past couple days; wondering if i have anything really worth saying at this point because the truth is i'm kind of a mess right now. a hot mess. but i've become kind of an expert at sweeping things under the rug and ignoring them until they manifest themselves in the form of an ulcer or a puss infested wound which one cannot possibly ignore. so, in an effort to try to deal with things as they come and prevent flesh wounds, here is what i've been thinking about.

so i'm a 2nd counselor in one of the Relief Societies in our ward (there are three); i have been for the past 3 or so months. i've always wondered what i was doing in a leadership position anyways, but today it was an especially prevalent feeling.

in an effort to get to know the thirty-some-odd women in the Relief Society, we handed out "get to know you sheets", i.e., handouts that they would fill out with information about their families, interests, and (the kicker for me tonight) their favorite scripture or quote.

as my roommates were out doing some college age related activity, i sat on my bed reading about these girls, wondering about their lives; where they grew up, what their families are like, and what they are planning for their futures. and i learned something. these are amazing, beautiful, God fearing women. women who find strength in a knowledge and study of the scriptures. women who nurture their testimonies by learning from their life experiences and lifting where they stand.

and i realized that i feel a great deal more pressure this semester, because some of these amazing women are some of my closest friends. friends that have served in this capacity with a love that i don't know that i can muster the courage to express. and even though i've done this before i'm scared.

scared of my capacity to fail. scared of the things that i might slip up and say, because more often than not i say things that i shouldn't. scared that they won't even like me or think that i'm insincere. scared that i will preach false doctrine and lead people astray. scared that i might offend someone. scared that i won't let someone else grow because i'm a control freak.

and so i'm sitting in my room, contemplating my inadequacies and how i am ever to get through this and do a decent job and not screw up anyone else.

ideas? advice? bad jokes?

Finally

okay, so there is a lot going on and i'm pretty happy about most of it or at least at peace. but right now i'm really excited because i have a new computer. after thinking it over for about a year. literally a year. and seeing this at the school bookstore and having homework do at the first of the semester i finally just picked one. his name is frederick. he's brown and i love him. this isn't him, but this is exactly what he looks like. i don't love the logo. but i will fix that some how... any-who...that's what's exciting right now.

Sometimes...

when you are in college and you have completed two papers, two presentations, an accounting project, and other general homework in four days and you finally get to friday night, all you want to do is where fuzzy socks, eat flamin' hot lime cheetos and watch def jam poetry. is that so wrong?

happy friday.

The Here and Now

life is pretty good. i love my classes. the combination of accounting, english, and humanities is in fact my cup of tea. i work with career and internship services 2-3 times a week teaching workshops. i volunteer with the student representative council. and i'm the second counselor in the relief society presidency. i'm a busy girl and i love it.

of all the things that i have to do, that last one freaks me out the most. the idea that people are going to pay attention to the things that i do and say puts a bit of pressure on me, 'cause you know, i say stuff [insert shifty eyes].

so yeah, things are going pretty well. this week i got a glimpse.

the future:

i feel like this might be a glimpse into my future with my mother. you should watch it cause i love it and i love it.

A List of Sorts

now that the school year has started up for me, i have started making lists again. i love making lists; they keep my life organized and productive. so, here is a list of things that i want.

1. satisfaction. i want to be satisfied no matter where or when i am. i want to enjoy the journey everyday. is that even realistic?
2. patience. i have finally come to the realization that i will always be lacking in the patience department. whether it is patience with myself and my journey or with others, the results are the same; i always come up short. i'm working on it though.
3. knowledge. i read this article this week that talked about how learning is a process and how an educated person is one who is continually learning. that is the kind of person that i want to be.
4. connection. recently i've been feeling this barrier between myself and other people. it is a familiar feeling for me; i spent a lot of my time as a teenager trying my best not to connect with people out of fear. but now, i don't know what it is, but i don't feel connected to others.

okay, that's what's on my mind these days; self interest, it happens.